Existential Isolation: Reflections on Groundlessness
There was no extant vocabulary of my own, that I could use to describe my experience of existential isolation. Although I did stumble upon this passage from scripture: “G-d speaks in different ways, and we don’t always recognize his voice. Sometimes in the night, he uses terrifying dreams to give us warnings. G-d does this to make us turn from sin and pride and to protect us from being swept away to the world of the dead” (Job 33:14-18, CEV).
It would suffice to say that although I did not have a nightmare that night, I did experience an overwhelming sense of existential dread that permeated my soul until three a.m. The scriptural passage speaks of an admonition given by G-d to an individual to serve as a wake-up call in life. The two spiritual ailments, according to this passage, that are the root of the detour that the soul may have previously taken in life are “sin and pride.”
If sin and pride lead to existential dread, as in my case, then I would caution anyone against letting oneself be subject to the sinful nature, that we all have, without fighting against it. Additionally, it takes an acute mind, and a distinct exploration of one’s character to unroot pride in all of its aspects. It is as if I have yet to even begin the journey, inasmuch that I had often mistaken myself as being humble, until I realized that was a false sense of humility that deceived me.
Overall, I am grateful to G-d for leading me in the right direction toward a greater sense of fulfillment through serving Him, instead of myself. If the soul is restless until we find rest in G-d’s presence, then the soul is also groundless, until His presence is received with the intent to let Him permeate our lives. And, although this will only occur gradually over time, as far as I know, the journey must begin somewhere.
I am starting to realize that my negative emotions can be understood as a sign that not everything that I was doing to draw close to G-d was having the intended affect; although, the issue at hand may have more to do with the quality of my efforts, rather than with the specific means of connecting to G-d. I try to remind myself that His wisdom is higher than ours, so seeking out His wisdom, instead of relying on ourselves for all of the solutions in life is essential.
Breathing Room 