Category: journal writing

Existential Realities – page 2

Service to G-d and observance of His commandments does not occur in a vacuum. Neither does the overall experience, of all that we define as constituting our “life.” Thus, service to G-d needs to happen in actuality; service goes beyond faith – it is faith in action.

Moreover, without clear social or vocational moorings, and a place in community, Torah observance can become abstract, in terms of only being limited to study, without an actual arena to put one’s values into practice. For, it is only in actuality that one’s values actually take root in one’s character. (I am speaking from my own limited experience).

To put this into other words, “no man is an island;” that is to say, that human beings are relational beings, and the Ten Commandments make it clear that our relationship and responsibilities are to both G-d and man. The first five commandments relate to G-d, and the second set of five commandments have to do with societal laws.

For myself, as an introvert bordering on a recluse, especially since the onset of the pandemic, I do not often have the opportunity to be put to the test in regard to the values that I express in my writing. Furthermore, recently on a seven-week extended journey to the East Coast, it seems that I fell short of the mark on various occasions, whereof I did not exemplify the values that I would otherwise claim as my own.

This became a greatly humbling experience, in recognizing that there was a disconnect between what I studied and wrote about (based mostly on the Biblical principles of my faith), and the actual attempt to demonstrate those values in real life. So, now, I’m back to the drawing board, well, the keyboard and computer screen, admitting my human frailties.

For the religious, the faithful, and the pious, our character is only tested in the real world, outside the pages of Torah, the narratives of the Patriarchs, and the message of the prophets. Yet, we hope to carry their words with us, and one day to have these teachings engraved upon our hearts. Until then, we should pray for that realization, wherein we will be able to take the G-d inspired words of kitvei kodesh (holy scripture) to heart.

Existential Realities – page 1

“G-d speaks in different ways, and we don’t always recognize his voice. Sometimes in the night, he uses terrifying dreams, to give us warning. G-d does this to make us turn from sin and pride and protect us from being swept away to the world of the dead.” – Job 33:14-18, CEV

One seemingly unbearable consequence of isolation is its potential to reveal hidden truths about oneself. Thus, on the eve of my tenth day of quarantine for Covid, last November, I entered a state of “existential dread.” I was faced with all of the unpleasant things about myself that would surface on occasion in my life, and then submerge below my conscious awareness again.

There was no respite, until a divine intervention brought about relief around 3:00 a.m. that morning. Yet, the issue at a hand was not the stark realities that each of those unresolved issues portended; rather, what those concerns pointed toward, namely, a feeling of meaningless in my life, despite my faith, that almost always serves as a buttress between a positive outlook and encroaching negativity.

It was as if a sense of meaningless permeated my entire being, while consolation in my religious belief and practice seemed to be in limbo at that time. Within the framework of existential psychology, “meaninglessness” is one of the four universal issues that people face in their lives to a greater or lesser degree. Yet, as I mentioned, meaninglessness is usually buffered by my faith.

I believe that meaning and purpose in life is derived from the Biblical creation narrative, regarding the dual role of mankind in regard to Gan Eden, “to work it and guard it.” Upon a closer reading of the original Hebrew, the injunction may be rendered as “to serve and to observe;” in other words, to serve G-d, and observe His commandments.

To this day, I still accept this injunction as axiomatic to my faith, as well as a universal given, noting the authority of the Bible. This has always been enough for me, ever since I became observant, within the context of my belief and practice: yet, an individual purpose in life, one that is uniquely my own, must be drawn out from this dual raison d’etre. Perhaps, the sum total of everyday tasks that constitute its fulfillment is not enough to substantiate that reason. There must be a more in-depth inculcation of this reason for being.

The issue hand, revealed to me by the emptiness of that night was the following: gnawing questions of my life in comparison to others, whose lives are successful by modern or worldly standards, stood out in stark relief, against my own, even though I had always dismissed the comparisons. Yet, this time I could not deny how I felt – bereft of a trajectory.

Even so, my sense of relief arrived before dawn, when I was shown that correspondence with others about these issues would somehow bring me renewal. At that point, a wave of peace swept over me. Now, it is up to me to set aside the rumination of these concerns, and simply follow the prescriptive remedy given to me from a divine source.