Category: memoir

My Story: Who am I?

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” – Proverbs 22:6

My youth, upon reflection, must have been typical of any other, more or less, who was educated in a secular school system in America. In the 1980’s, the Beatles were still popular enough to become one’s entry point into Western music. As any other kid on the block, I had a collection of cassettes at the time, that included the Beatles, as well as a growing number of other musicians and bands, that was later replaced with a record collection, and, eventually, c.d.’s.

I also had my favorite books, especially in high school, when I read the Hobbit, and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Additionally, I had my most viewed television programs, that kept me preoccupied, even in high school (when I should have been learning more), inasmuch that I had my own television, as did my siblings. This latter modern phenomenon is something that always bothered me in later years, when I reflected upon the tragedy.

Dare I use such a significant word? Yes, because this pertains to the tragedy of an overemphasis on individuation and subjectivity, to the point of isolation and alienation, as a result of a lack of genuine communication amongst family members, a common set of clearly defined values, and the sense of liberal views pertaining to the raising of children. I think that the common myth went and still may go something like this: our children should be free to learn, choose, and decide for themselves what to believe in, engage their time with, and find out what makes them happy in life.

On the surface, this combination of tolerance, permissiveness, and lack of engagement with child-rearing sounds great to the modern mind; yet, in retrospect, at least for myself, I can earnestly say that it was and is a formula for disaster in various ways, inclusive of too much freedom, not enough direction, and no clear guide to developing an inner moral compass.

To begin with, from the point of view of existential psychology, one of the four existential givens is significantly at play here: the continuum between freedom and responsibility. Without a sense of direction, freedom can be overwhelming, and provide too large of an area to explore, without the acknowledgment of boundaries and limitations.

Yet, society promotes this exploration, even moreso today, within the framework of progressive ideology; moreover, it seems to be a liberal standard to let one’s children find their own way in life, with all of its ups and downs, wrong roads and detours, in hopes that eventually they will be able to find the path that they as individuals are meant to be on, for the sake of their own personal happiness in life.

However, over forty years later, whereas now I feel that I am finally on the right path, I realize that according to the standards that I have accepted for myself in life, namely those proffered by the Bible, nowhere in scripture is it written, “And you shall be happy.” Meaning to say, happiness is not the most important factor of life. Moreover, the commandments given by G-d at Mount Sinai are meant to provide a moral compass in order to steer one’s life in the right direction.

Furthermore, these commandments were given to us for our own good, by a loving Father who would like to spare us from making the wrong choices in life. Even so, please, keep in mind, that He did give all of humankind free will. As is conveyed so aptly, “See, I give you life, and I give you death… choose life” (Deuteronomy 30:19). It is as if He gives us all of the right answers on the test of life, as well as the wrong answers, and encourages to answer correctly.

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Challenges Along the Way

How far has my belief and practice taken me already; and, what additions or modifications do I need to make, in order to gain a more effectual understanding of myself in relationship to G-d and His commandments? I am asking these questions of myself: however, you may also ask yourself these questions or some variation thereof. It is not uncommon to be concerned with applying a gauge to one’s spiritual practice, or religious path along the way; in fact, it is recommended.

For myself, there is both a spiritual as well as a religious component to my path. Unless both the spiritual aspects and the religious structure, each somehow will reach down into the core of my being and continue to permeate my life in a beneficial way, then I would need to step back and make an assessment of my efforts. Perseverance is key; and I recognize that sometimes the path can seem more barren than other times. Yet, this is also to be expected.

In the past few days, I have been exploring the concept of acedia, invariably described as listlessness, boredom, and sloth, to name a few of its “characteristics.” In reading about acedia, it seems that much of what I am experiencing has already been framed in words that explain the malady so much better than I ever could. Moreover, one of the remedies is summed up in one word: “perseverance.”

Within the early years of the monastic tradition, whereof acedia is referred to as a spiritual plague of sorts, the monks were mostly confined to their cells, except for communal prayer and meals. Manual labor had not yet been introduced into the daily regimen. Acedia would plague the soul of the monk, making confinement to one’s cell during the day almost unbearable; so, they were always admonished not to leave their cell, except, for communal activities.

I imagine that within the monastic tradition, a monk leaving his cell, would be akin to going off the derech (path), G-d forbid, within the framework of Judaism. I realize that this is a rough comparison; however, the basic risk is letting go of one’s focus on G-d, in pursuit of other cisterns – sources of pleasure, entertainment, or intellectual curiosity. Rather, it is a narrow road to Olam Haba (the World to Come), where eternity awaits the faithful.