writing – Breathing Room

Walking with the LORD, I had been focused on Him exclusively to the exclusion of others in my life, before I became a caregiver. I had been living my life like a hermit. Recently, I have been attempting to transcend my negativity by casting my gaze heavenward. Yet, to do so may not mean avoidance of my feelings, nor transcendence; rather, acknowledging my emotions in the moment, and seeking G-d in the midst of the chaos of my life as a caregiver. The unpredictability, the constant pouring out of self, the diminished time for myself – all these and more challenges abound. Yet, hope abounds more.

For now is the time of renewal in the moment. No need to wait until the next morning for the ice to melt; rather, to chip away at the ice today, climbing the mountain to the summit. Where the sun shines, above the clouds, I desire to be. Yet, the way is arduous, and the journey long toward gradual transformation of the heart from one burdened with negative emotions to a heart rendered clean though purification by nisyanos (trials).

I bear the suffering of my mother as the most prominent witness and her near constant companion as her son and primary caregiver. My journey is one of personal transformation, growing emotional maturity and reconciliation with my mother. Yet, without my connection to G-d, I would not be able to face the challenges each and every day of this journey.

My friend told me months ago that it is only for a season. How long that season will be is only determined by G-d, since I am in this for the long haul until the end. And, while my mother goes to sleep every night with a fear of death, I always look forward to the dawn, when the light streams in and a new day begins. Even if that spark of renewal is diminished as I begin to start my daily grind, I am resilient enough to abide in patience, until I am brought to a place of relative peace and safety, while my heart is guarded from emotional duress.

It is not easy. I fail over and over in some things, while doing better with others. I am no saint, despite the praise I receive from others. I am human like all other family caregivers. We go through a complete range emotions that contains both positive and negative feelings. It is accepting my own humanity at this point that seems key. Then, transforming myself with G-d’s help.

For anyone who has an ideal set of values, and hopefully that includes you, dear reader, there may still be a disconnect between the intellect and the heart (hopefully, that does not include you). Yet, if so, that disconnect could lead to a disparity between a person’s sense of the ideal, and what is the actuality in his of her life. One way to make a conscious change for self-improvement has to do with the arena of tikkun hanefesh (renewal of the soul). The initial effort of renewal depends upon the careful observation of thought, speech and behavior over time, in order to review, discern, and make any necessary changes. On a more comprehensive scale, we can transcend our own negativity, failures, and broken dreams, by focusing on inner change.

Moreover, based upon our realization that we are not fully independent beings, that we have a connection to the divine; we may seek a connection to G-d, because that connection is inherent in the makeup of our being. For, we are created imatatio dei, in the image of G-d. In order to live up to His image, we need to find ways to express our imitation of Him. Within Judeo-Christian belief, this is done by adhering to the divine guidance given through scripture. Thus, we may transition from being subject to our fallen nature, by striving for righteousness in our lives, based on the expectations of G-d.

“Saith the L-RD, I will put My law in their inward parts, and in their heart will I write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”

– Jeremiah 31:33, JPS 1917 Tanach

Tag: writing

A Caregiver’s Journal 2

Soul Renewal